


Little Flower

by boyishbaek



Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - High School, Anorexia, Buddhism, Chinese Character, Competition, Dong Si Cheng | WinWin-centric, Eating Disorders, F/M, I'm Bad At Tagging, Ice Skating, Japanese Character(s), Korean Characters, M/M, Mental Health Issues, Mommy Issues, Multi, Obsessive Behavior, Quad Jumps (Figure Skating), Underage - Freeform, World Figure Skating Championships
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-02-19
Updated: 2021-02-28
Packaged: 2021-03-15 11:01:07
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Underage
Chapters: 3
Words: 6,671
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29558103
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/boyishbaek/pseuds/boyishbaek
Summary: Sicheng's talent is turning into a dreadful cancer which could make him rot from his inside out. He needs something to bloom inside him to bring him back to life.
Relationships: Dong Si Cheng | WinWin/Jung Yoonoh | Jaehyun, Dong Si Cheng | WinWin/Nakamoto Yuta, Jung Yoonoh | Jaehyun/Original Female Character(s)
Kudos: 14





	1. The Edge of Everyday

**Author's Note:**

> hi okay this has been in a draft for almost a year and i think its time to let it see the world.  
> im actually proud of it and want to be able to make something out of this, i hope.  
> if u have come across this thank u so much for giving it the thought. ice skater!sicheng is  
> always living in the back of my head so i think thats a sign to just test out how he really  
> performs. again thanks 1000 times and please enjoy this was a cray experience :P  
> -boyishbaek

Sweat dripped from his back to his forehead, trickling down his visible spine and fragile face. His movements were precise as always and if they weren’t he would’ve stopped and started all over again. He didn’t mind the aching in his body right now, all he could focus on was every last note of the orchestral piece to which he moved to. In times like this he often forgot to breathe, which didn’t help his exhaustion. His focus was so intense that he could almost feel his mind take over. The feeling was out of body, because he knew this take was perfect. His surroundings were cold, even the people who watched the performance very closely felt icy. Somehow internally he still felt a warmth. He always did even in these intense moments. The warmth was confusing.. He couldn’t tell if he was in love with what he was doing and so the warmth came from his heart, because it could also be the fire he had from the hatred he felt towards certain things about himself and the art. It was basically the hundredth time he had restarted from the top. He couldn’t get this routine down. And he didn’t understand why, so the warmth maybe really stemmed from a true hatefulness within him. No matter how hard he trembled and how much his mind raged, he pressed on. The better feelings of inner pride could only come later. 

Finally, he landed his last jump into his ending pose. The song faded to silence, and all that could be heard throughout the empty stadium was the few claps of his coaches and his weighted breaths. They might’ve even been saying things, but all Sicheng could feel was Sicheng. He felt every part of his body, it came back to him as quickly as he had forgotten it. His body was still tense, as he stood still in his ending with his eyes shut tightly. Suddenly, Sicheng could feel the embrace of his coach as familiar as always. “I’m so proud..” His coach expressed his happiness even in the way he breathed, gasping and sighing. Sicheng slowly hugged him back while holding himself together as best as he could. 

In the now empty skating rink, Sicheng sat all alone in the locker room. He started getting undressed slowly. Cold air brushed his body, sending rushes into his already fatigued body. The tired male made his way towards the showers, stopping at a mirror to stare at himself for a moment. Sicheng didn’t enjoy looking at himself in full nude, he could only feel confident when he couldn’t see all his flaws. He continued to the showers, where he quickly washed himself under the steaming hot stream of water. His brain was always last to adjust outside of the rink, his thoughts finally came back down to normal when he stood bathing himself each night. He typically used this time to think about his day as a whole. 

A normal day for Sicheng consisted of school and practice. He attended a private Catholic high school in South Korea. School started early, at 7:00 am. After long nights almost everyday, Sicheng would wake up regretting that he had worked so hard the night before. But because he got out of school around afternoon everyday, it was okay once he got home to take that special afternoon nap. Sicheng had little room for a social life. When he didn’t have practice, after his daily nap Sicheng would usually take that time to catch up in school. On rare occasions would he go out with his couple of friends, which he wished badly that he had more time for. Every Sunday, Tuesday, Wednesday, and Thursday practice began at 7:00 pm. He knew that being an ice skater took dedication, especially since he wanted to be performing in big competitions. But, sometimes he did feel overworked. Sicheng tried not to think this way because he knew his coach, Minjun, probably wanted it even more than him. 

Sicheng sighed softly under the water. His hands graced his body with intention. Today was successful and he knew it because he could smile and feel developing bruises on his knees. When his eyes were closed, all he could picture was himself on that empty rink. His imagination didn’t have Minjun and the other assistants though. It was just him in his mind, and he noticed how peaceful he looked. It was easy to imagine it that way, he guessed. Sicheng reached out and shut the water off. While he dried off he walked around the quiet locker room. The time was a little past 11:00 pm, a usual time for practice to end. Once he got dressed and packed up, he could leave the ice rink and finally go home. 

ઇઉ

Sometimes Sicheng thought he could just be out all night long and his parents would have no idea, but he also knew that his parents trusted him. Coming home late almost every night could naturally make anyone curious. Most times when he got home, he would take a few bites from the food his mom left for him and hide the rest in the garbage disposal. He didn’t want to eat late at night since he feared gaining weight, but his mom always insisted. Sicheng threw the food out and made his way straight to his bed. He didn’t even remember going into his room that night, all he remembers was that he fell asleep within seconds. 

By the next morning, he could feel every ache in his body. Fortunately, today was Friday and that meant no practice. When he woke up, he really didn’t feel like getting out of bed. He tended to feel this way occasionally but most times he just got up and left. Sicheng laid warm in his bed, staring intently at his ceiling. His room was tiny and minimalistic. He didn’t have too many things in his room because most of his belongings were from his 13 years of ice skating, which all went in a separate and much larger room. Maybe his parents loved his talent more than they loved him, but Sicheng didn’t like thinking about it. His favorite object in his room was the large window and balcony that his bed was centered with. His apartment building created a beautiful view of South Korea’s most developed city, Seoul. Every time he looked from it he thought about how bizarre and lucky his life was. He didn’t know how to feel about that. 

Eventually, he managed to get out of bed. Sicheng got ready at the speed of light. He was always good at procrastinating and he managed to pull it off every time. It was also easy because this had become so routinely for him. His uniform was pretty moderate considering he attended a private school. Either way, he didn’t mind having a uniform because he wasn’t very fashionably involved. He wore a simple white button up that had become slightly oversized on his toned body, topped by a school issued jacket which of course had the crest of his high school embroidered on. Beneath the crest was his name tag, “Dong Sicheng” putting him on blast. Even in a private school, there were social hierarchies. If he tried he could probably be quite popular, but the rich students seemed like too much to handle. Because of his talent and national recognition, Sicheng was known by name to many students. 

Before he could think about the day ahead of him, he was getting something to drink before he left. He had a glass of water for his survival and met with his mom for as long as he could before taking off. A typical morning. Sicheng and his mom usually talked about the same things and did the same things each morning, he would mention his soreness and she would help bandage him up, sending him off with all of her love. His strongest relationship had to be between him and her. She was always proud of him, and so was his father. After all he was an only child who had incredible talent, value, and decent smarts. How could you not take care of the most perfect creation? It didn’t really feel superficial to him like he heard many of his peers say. Really it was true love. But Sicheng still felt cold inside, even when surrounded by the warmth of love. It wasn’t his parents’ fault, it wasn’t his either. 

He waited to board his usual 7:30 am bus. “How could someone have everything and still not entirely be sure of who they are? How is it possible to feel this way when you really do have everything? Why do I want to abuse myself when my life is perfect?” This was usually how Sicheng thought in the morning. His body was so sore. Underneath his expensive uniform all his bruises were visible. His eyes were tired as he watched his bus pull into the station. It was always full as his stop was the last, but he didn’t mind having to sit next to the quiet kid who always carried a manga book on him. It was normal to read those, everyone did, but it was really the only thing this kid did. It didn’t bother Sicheng, he was also quiet so he sort of understood. 

The boy was shorter than Sicheng, even when they were sitting. He had a long face and his features weren’t exactly strong, just very kind. He was a year Sicheng’s senior. They had only ever exchanged a few words but he knew some things about the student by being nosey. His name was Moon Taeil and he was known for having a beautiful voice and confidence, but he didn’t say much and had some sort of friends. Sicheng liked him and often would stop by the choir room to hear his calming voice. Today was normal so he minded his business of course. The sky wasn’t so normal. It was a bit more orange than usual, which wasn’t a bad difference. He loved to notice these details every day. Nothing in the sky was always the exact same as it was the day before. 

While taking notice of the sky he also watched the people in his surroundings, and in particular who happened to be the attractive boy from his homeroom. Outside the bus’ window, the boy sat on his bike waiting for the traffic just like Sicheng. His black hair looked messy as it blew calmly through a gentle breeze. It was like looking at a painting in a museum. There were many elements to this scene and each little detail added to a delightful result. Really it was perfect, he was so perfect.

And so, he walked into class that morning just like every other time before. While changing shoes he got distracted watching the same boy from the crosswalk. His name was Jung Yunho, a social singer who was recently picked up by a famous idol agency. He excelled in those types of places. His effortlessness was even more attractive than his looks. It was amazing that he had enough pure energy to bring others together. Was this jealousy or admiration, Sicheng thought. One of those complicated feelings. School always felt this way, like a repeat. Greeting those same kids and teachers. He could imagine what it might be like to live like Yunho instead, how different is his every single day? Yunho slid his shoes on quickly and jogged joyfully past Sicheng. He smelt like fresh apples and clean water. It was like a dopamine to Sicheng. 

He found his way to class and sat in his assigned seat which was dead center in the middle of the room. He had no choice but to focus in class everyday when he sat positioned like this. Being in class felt almost the same way each day, tracing his desk with motions to help him memorize his recent routines while engaging with class only as much as he had to. 

Of course that’s how Sicheng’s day would typically be. But today was going to start changing the little things which would eventually start to change bigger things. Which meant today was not going to be so typical.


	2. Speak of Nakamoto, and He Shall Appear

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW for a lot of ed mentioning (its written in the point of view of a character who has an ed. these are his thoughts on the world) 
> 
> dont hold me accountable for how accurate the details about competitive figure skating are,,, im just guessing based off of what i know which I KNOW isnt the best thing to do as a writer but so be it. it doesnt affect the story that much. pls enjoy

As antisocial as Sicheng had become over the years, he at least considered himself knowledgeable of some of the over dramatic high school dramas that happened from time to time. In a smaller private school like his, the biggest news was usually that someone’s famous parents had committed another problematic public affair. Not something real human and raw like a teen pregnancy. Today the news was that there was a new student. “Not a big deal.” Sicheng believed in the back of his head. It was solidified like this until around lunch. No one told Dong Sicheng, Chinese pride and joy, that the new student was actually an upcoming ice skater. His name was Yuta. 

Sicheng munched a little harder on the ice he was eating for his lunch today. How come no one bothered to mention that? What happened to anger him more was that no one bothered to tell him. He was so caught up in the heat although there was no reason for him to be upset. If this was competition he would’ve heard of the stranger before. School wasn’t ever supposed to feel like the rink but Sicheng’s competitiveness overpowered in this moment. 

ઇઉ

“My name is Nakamoto- I mean Yuta. It’s nice to meet you, Sicheng.” Sicheng was greeted after the end of the school day while he was cleaning the chalkboard of his homeroom. Yuta was another one of these foreign students who had to adjust firstly by introducing themselves with their given name. It had taken him by a sort of surprise but he pretended not to be shocked and turned to smile at the new boy. “Hi. It’s nice to meet you too.” Sicheng bowed. They stood now just looking at each other. Sicheng wasn’t a small taker, he wasn’t a big talker. He spoke when he had to and said enough to satisfy. He didn’t dislike it exactly, he was just uncomfortable with almost everything about himself and his annoyingly quiet voice and problems with discussion was one of those things. “I know all about you, and I’m so pleased that we get to attend the same school. Not that I looked it up to find out. I just wanna say I admire you a lot. You perfect everything you do, you go on the ice and perform it, and you do so without even having to show off. I respect that a lot. You’re really talented.” Yuta barely even took breaths as he spoke. Sicheng’s smile couldn’t fade because it honestly did feel good to be admired. However his mind blanked when he wanted to say something back. He was flustered. “Well.. thank you for saying that.” He struggled to say, moving his hands around a bit to distract his listener. “I’ll see you around.” Sicheng said abruptly, almost as if trying to shoo him away. Yuta scratched the back of his neck accepting his defeat. “See you, Sicheng.” He bowed politely and then turned immediately and out the door. 

Yuta had changed the atmosphere of the room when he entered it. Sicheng paid attention to everything that he said, and that would have been whether he was saying nice things about him or not. That’s what Sicheng noticed first. By the time Yuta’s energy had followed him out of the classroom Sicheng was already back to work. 

He finished cleaning by 4:45 and was quick to get away from the school building. This Friday allowed him some free time and even so the only thing he could think about was the rink. The school bus was no longer running at this time everyday so it was fully Sicheng’s responsibility to find a way home. The biggest benefit to living in a big city was public transportation, so it wasn’t a difficult feat. This evening had put him in a good mood. Nakamoto put him in a good mood. Sicheng didn’t hesitate to search the Japanese boy on as many SNS and other networks he could. A gold medalist in his division back in Japan, 2 years in a row. He attended nationals at age 17 and placed in 3rd‒one of the youngest boys ever to do so in Japan. His move to South Korea was mentioned in a local Japanese article, discussing why he would be in Seoul and what it meant for his future. Yuta was going to start working with a new coach at the same rink as Sicheng. Of course. All that was great to Sicheng, it was almost your typical ice skater story, but what had been the biggest surprise to him was Yuta’s age. 19 years old? He had a headrush, replaying the image of his senior giving him such amazing praise. He smiled to himself knowing now how much that compliment meant. 

On the way home Sicheng decided to put his phone down for awhile and reflected on his social life, more than he had in a long time. When he checked social media all he saw were his girl peers going shopping together and male peers causing a ruckus in various public places. Those short videos on people’s “stories” filled him with a tiny amount of joy each time. Was he wasting his happiest years possible on skating? Surely that wasn’t true. Not all happiness depends on your social life. But then again when was the last time winning a medal had made Sicheng genuinely happy? 

He stepped off the train into a busy crowd of people. Like always he took the stairs instead of the escalator and headed towards the bike garage. The air outside was losing its moisture as the season had started to transition from summer to fall. Fall was an important time for the ice skating community, but winter proved to hold the main events every year. Good thing there was still some months until championship season. His bike creaked as he rode away from the busy city, the bright sun coming to a close with the horizon. “This is the depressed ice skater’s world, everyone else just lives in it. It’s mine.” Sicheng’s mind wondered as he began pedaling a little faster to arrive home as soon as possible. 

When he pulled up to his home he noticed an additional car in his driveway. With all of its familiarity of course, it was Coach Minjun’s. He sighed when he realized that he had forgotten all about the dinner plans his family had put on for the night. Well, it appeared he was going to be social tonight. He waited to enter his house for a few minutes, cursing himself for his forgetfulness. His mom would be upset with him, even though dinner surely hadn’t started yet. 

The door creaked as he opened it and he witnessed his house in a much more lively way than usual. Almost immediately his mom popped around the corner and greeted him with a short scold in Chinese. “Sisi, did you forget again? Go consider Minjun and then get ready for dinner. We’re having many guests, some new. Please dress nicely.” As she spoke to him she pat the chalk dust off his shoulders and made those silly aggravated faces. Sicheng quickly nodded and said obeying things in Chinese, to which his mother tapped him lightly, “And only speak Korean the rest of the night.” He almost rolled his eyes but instead just blew a small kiss and began walking to the dining room. 

“Good evening, coach.” He bowed fully and smiled to Minjun, who sat with his dad at their large dinner table. So big just for show. “Hello, Sicheng. It’s good to see you, how are you feeling since yesterday’s practice?” He was dressed in a maroon sweater and khaki pants, wearing his hair the same as always in a short ponytail. “I feel fine. My body rested and this morning my mother took care of the bruising.” Sicheng spoke a little louder than the kitchen’s speakers which played some famous Chopin. “Have you eaten today?” His mother asked, making Sicheng glance over to where she sat with a wine glass in hand. He felt awful when people asked about eating and about food and about nutrition among all those other things. He had to lie every time. “Yes, I got to enjoy some chicken and rice for lunch.” He answered while nodding which caused his mother to smile and signal for him to go away. “Well I’ll see everyone at dinner. I must get ready, good to see you Coach.” Sicheng said. “You too, little one.” Minjun half smiled and his parents waved him off. 

When he got up to his room the first thing he saw was his soft white bed. It was like a cloud. He got into bed slowly while still in his uniform. If he stayed like this for longer than a minute he could see himself dozing off into the better world of sleep. So he got back up twice as fast and started looking in his closet for proper dinner attire. His closet was an array of neutral colors which came from various designers and other rich people places. He wished he had more taste for fashion, or at least that he knew how to express himself. Mommy still shopped for him for now. The most appealing top in his closet was a brown sweater that he found himself wearing a lot. It was knitted with a round neck, he decided to pair it with a white collared dress shirt underneath. He was almost always wearing a gold necklace with a small cross pendant which he decided to tuck underneath his layers. He stuck with a simple pair of beige slacks on bottom. Sicheng took a glance in the mirror at his outfit and he felt his stomach turn at the sight of his body, so he quickly shut off the lights and headed back downstairs. 

ઇઉ

Later in the evening Sicheng found himself in the corner of the dining room, holding a discussion with one of the women from his gym that trained him. He had always gotten along with this girl, who was a few years his senior. She had been an ice skater during her teens but retired after a serious leg injury. Her name was Iseul. She was devastatingly beautiful… a thin body type but with the perfect curves in every right place. Her eyes had monolids that always puffed out when she smiled, making others smile too. Her hair was long and a very deep black. Iseul was quiet like Sicheng but better at talking than he was. He didn’t understand how she could fall for him but he always knew since she confessed to him on his 16th birthday. That was behind them now, at least for the most part. They talked about Yuta, unknowingly to Sicheng that he would be arriving shortly. It seemed that Iseul knew more about the new kid than he did, even after all his research. “I’ve been researching him since I overheard some coordinators mentioning him some time ago… Did I not mention that he was arriving sometime soon?” Iseul was wearing a pretty red mini dress with a ribbon tying her hair back. Something like a skating costume. She looked breathtaking in this dim lighting. Sicheng was almost blanking again as his mind wandered elsewhere. “I honestly can’t tell if you mentioned that before.” He took a sip of his glass, filled with cold tea. “Have you seen him around school? I heard his even more handsome in person.” Iseul raised her eyebrows and shrugged. “I did actually,” Sicheng smiled, “He was taller than I imagined yet somehow still shorter than me.” Iseul giggled, she always entertained what Sicheng had to say which made him feel a little better. 

As the saying always remained the same, speak of the devil and he shall appear. Not the devil though, just Nakamoto Yuta. He was as friendly as earlier when he greeted everyone at the dinner party. His outfit was more casual than everyone else but classiness couldn’t beat charisma. He was so likable. Like Yunho, except Yunho commanded the attention of his peers. Yuta was committed to the social part of his actual career. A businessman. Minus the drama. From across the room they locked eyes, and Sicheng didn’t even bother to look away. He wanted an interaction, just any feeling at all. He was surprised to see him here, in his own house.

“Hi. If I had known I would be here tonight I would’ve said something earlier.” Yuta approached with a generous smile. Sicheng made sure to greet him as his senior because he saw so many people watching the two of them. “Yuta, it’s honestly refreshing to see you here.” He spoke his mind for once. In his peripheral vision, Iseul managed to fade away.. but he didn’t want that to happen. “This is my friend Iseul. She also trains me in the rink sometimes.” He turned to his side and put a hand out to gesture to her. Iseul didn’t hesitate to bow to Yuta and admit, “I’ve been looking forward to meeting you.” After that the three paused sort of awkwardly searching for what they wanted to say to each other. “I actually don’t live far from here. Just the suburb over.” Yuta broke their silence. Sicheng just nodded quietly while Iseul responded with something. When the conversation went past small talk he couldn’t focus as much. 

It turns out Iseul and Yuta could talk for a long time, with Sicheng saying what he thought from time to time. They got along so well that almost 2 hours had passed, and it was almost 9 pm. Most guests were either gone or getting rides home by now. Since Yuta had arrived, they had all gotten something to eat and then moved into one of Sicheng’s many living spaces. Instead of it being a little late and instead of the fact that Iseul and Yuta didn’t involve him that much, Sicheng was internally obsessing with the thought that he had to eat in front of everyone. When he had obsessive thoughts it was even harder to be around people and he often would imagine them confronting him about his eating habits. He didn’t like dinner parties just for that. Eating in public isn’t hard, no one is going to pay attention to the fact that Sicheng never eats at school. At these dinners there was more pressure since the food was a bit more precious. Basically, in a room full of people so focused on their meal there’s pressure about finishing and all of those things, at least that’s what Sicheng believed. His concrete mind. 

Eventually though, it was time for Iseul to get home. She had bid her goodbyes and exchanged numbers with Yuta and gave Sicheng a kiss on the cheek then disappeared. That left Sicheng alone with Yuta. “Iseul is great. Thank you for introducing us.” Yuta said after she had left. It honestly did cheer up Sicheng at least a little, knowing that he could do something for someone else. “She seemed interested so I thought why not.” He responded while nodding. Yuta had been laughing and talking so much that he had those visible lines left on his face from all the smiling. “Sorry if you felt left out at all… Can we step outside really quick so we can talk?” Questions like that made Sicheng nervous but he agreed anyway because he was curious. What in the world could this stranger have to say to him anyway? 

“You’re so bad at hiding it.” Yuta said as they stood together on the balcony, it was colder out now so Sicheng was developing a shiver. “Wh-” Sicheng experienced all the feeling in his body fade away, but before he could ask Yuta went on. “You seemed really jealous that I was hogging Iseul all night.” He finished. Sicheng’s eyes widened and he sighed with generous amounts of relief. He laughed in a friendly way, “Jealous? No uhm, you two just met and have a lot in common. I half expected that..” There was another quiet release that left him once he finished talking. Yuta didn’t notice the stress from his junior, he was too indulged in himself. “It’s okay if you are.” Yuta added. Sicheng made a strange face, why would he care.. let alone, be jealous that Iseul and him hit it off. It didn’t really matter to him. “Well, anyway, I’ll see you at the rink first thing tomorrow right? Iseul invited me to the group practice so I hope you don’t mind seeing me there… I heard you're showcasing your routine for the Seoul Young Adult Championships.” Yuta talked so much. “Oh, that’s nice. And yeah, this is the first time everyone at the gym gets to see it. I feel like I’m gonna die everytime I practice it.” Sicheng said, sending Yuta into a fit of laughter. He was barely joking by that though. “I’ll look forward to that. For now I think I’m heading back to my apartment. Good seeing you Sicheng.” With that, Yuta went back inside and left.  
Sicheng stood all alone now on his balcony which looked out onto other houses in his neighborhood, as well as an empty street which would be busy if it weren’t late like this. He was becoming more stressed about tomorrow, thinking about seeing Yuta again. He wasn’t exactly sure how he felt about his peer just yet. But the thought of Nakamoto did something to him physically.

He ended his day with a long thoughtful shower that he almost might’ve fallen asleep in. After getting into his sweats for the night, he snuck into his parents room and gave his drunken mom a kiss goodnight. Sicheng knelt next to his mother in her bed, put his hands together and prayed. He did so from time to time. “My mind can go in a thousand directions. Now I walk in peace. Each step creates a warm breeze. With each step, a lotus blooms.” He whispered quietly in Chinese. At some point between leaving his parents room and going back to his own, Sicheng fell asleep mentally. 

He still found himself wide awake in his own bed by the next morning.


	3. Pavane for a Dead Princess

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> mega trigger warning for bul!m!a and nervous breakdown  
> this is more of a filler chapter, pretty short and only accounts for one event really.   
> in fact you wont be missing much just sicheng messing up his routine and breaking down.  
> please leave comments on ur thoughts this far... Very much appreciated   
> as always thank u a ton for viewing and giving ur kudos. :) <3

“Who was the little flower beside my bed last night saying his prayers?” Sicheng’s mother asked him at breakfast the next morning, making him smile. He stood in front of the sink, chopping vegetables that were meant for his lunch. “I’m glad that you know your faith.” She came beside him and grabbed his face. A mother’s warm touch burned into his cheeks.. he felt so safe being beside her, even if he towered over by 24 great centimeters. His mom gave him a kiss on his forehead and her smile shined so bright into his eyes. “Of course he does.” His father added, standing across from them on the other side of the counter. Then there was a silence which surrounded them. The quiet family. 

It was so quiet that you could hear his skates digging gently along the ice. A symphony version of Pavane pour une infante défunte was playing faintly but just like Sicheng’s movements it was too gentle to be apart from him. Instead he moved like the piece played, he moved into the notes and then back out as if it were a tangible course on the ice. There was barely any thought in his mind. He forgot how to breathe once again. He took up more speed as he went up the rink and in time with the music, pulled up into a biellmann spin. The spin could last an eternity in Sicheng’s mind. A quick cheer could be heard in the audience; straight from Yuta. It was a little distracting to him but he wouldn’t falter. He bent over and back and slid blissfully to the music. Sicheng could feel his head start to ache more than it usually did. He ignored the feeling and pushed on, prepping for his triple lutz jump. The ground beneath him felt like it was trembling, but it was definitely just his weak body. He ignored it. “Let’s go, Sisi!” Yuta chanted as Sicheng braced for the jump.   
Sometime while he was in the air, his body had given out. He landed hard on his side when he fell, but Sicheng never stopped. Even after his coach cut the music off and everyone had let out a gasp. He winced at the pain in his abdomen yet he carried on and tried another toe jump. Minjun watched with fear. He felt that he would have landed it, but stumbled on his landing, crashing into the ice. A cry left him as he sat on the ice, holding his side. Minjun and Iseul rushed onto the rink with others to examine him. His side burned as much as that fire within him. “Are you okay? Let’s get you up.” Coach grabbed his wrist and tried pulling him up. “Sicheng, why wouldn’t you stop after your first fall?” Iseul asked in a stressed tone, putting a hand on his back. He didn’t answer and used the help of his coach to get back up. 

Completing this routine was only getting harder. He sat in the locker room with Iseul and Minjun, Sicheng was still yet to say anything. Minjun was trying to get in touch with Sicheng’s parents to let them know he was sitting out of practice for now. He felt so embarrassed, so ashamed. All the pent up anger from his last mental breakdown. That was a while ago. He was supposed to be doing better now, he was supposed to be putting on weight, he was supposed to be on meds. Even without all those things there wasn’t anything happening to Sicheng which should be making him so hateful anyway. “I’m gonna go eat my lunch.” He finally said something and grabbed his bag. “Should I come with you?” Iseul asked with her usual concerned face. “No. But I won’t be back.” He grabbed his bag and walked out. 

After he left the gym Sicheng breathed in the rotten city smell. He was angry but not externally. He walked straight into the closest convenience store. “What have I been craving lately?” He thought to himself. He went through the pastries, the sandwiches, the lunch sets, he bought soda and a coffee and fresh fried chicken from behind the counter. His total was somewhere between 20 or 30 dollars. He felt his stomach growl at the sight of the feast he had just created for himself. There were many public bathrooms around and he chose one that was in one of those buildings with closed restaurants, hoping for absolute privacy. He was so exhausted by the time he could sit down on the toilet in his lonely little stall. He breathed heavily and emptied all of his food items onto the bathroom floor. Before digging into what he purchased, he went into his bag and found his mom’s homecooked lunch for him. He stared at the bento which contained a healthy serving of rice and fish and cabbage and all those nurture foods. Sicheng took the top off and thought about his mom and what she probably thought while she was making lunch for her little flower like always. He knew that she knew about his disorder. It was a motherly instinct of course. So why didn’t she ask him about it? Why didn’t she want to get him the help he needed? Sicheng relived the moment he heard his parents calling him ‘sickly’ and ‘disgustingly thin’. He took a deep breath one last time and used his hands to grab the food from its container. 

He stuffed his mouth full of the food and swallowed it down within seconds, and he didn’t stop. He used his hands and grabbed fists of rice and vegetables. He practically shoved it down. Sicheng couldn’t control it. His hunger pangs were gone, just as he knew. He opened the sandwiches from the store and ate them, too. He ate messily and didn’t bother wiping away his mouth or washing his hands. His only motive was to eat as much as he could. Sicheng was breaking out into a sweat because of how focused he was on the food. It tasted so good, even for cheap convenience store food. His stomach felt packed, he started to hiccup from eating so fast. He got off the toilet and turned to face the bowl, putting all his weight onto his knees. He opened the soda he bought and chugged it straight down. Sicheng was gasping for air, forgetting to breathe like always. 

The pain had dawned on him. His hands pressed firmly into his knees and he had his mouth directly over the bowl. What is the benefit of feeling like this? Sicheng’s eyes closed slowly as he stuck his hand in his mouth. Tears dropped from his eyes, running over the bridge of his nose and onto his cheeks. The same face his mom held so caringly this morning, which was now messy and sad. He was sobbing and whining aloud. He didn’t want to avoid it any longer and started to push his fingers to the back of his throat. With the same familiar speed that Sicheng ate and the same speed that he took onto the ice with. He threw up the hundreds of calories that he had consumed only minutes earlier. 

Sicheng’s throat burned and his mouth tasted like acid. His body was weaker than before. There was a struggle for him to get back up onto his feet. Nothing was painful though. Instead he had a sort of high after he flushed the toilet and saw the wasted food go away. As long as it wasn’t in him. His head was floating. He took up a water bottle from his gym bag and used the water to gargle out the bitter taste of vomit still lingering in his mouth. With a handkerchief he wiped around his eye and the corners of his mouth. Sicheng sighed and carried on with picking up his mess. 

He stumbled out of the stall with a bag full of trash in one hand, and his gym bag on his shoulder. He was greeted with a mirror. Sicheng was making eye contact with himself, with his reflection at least. Still, the true image. There were stains all over his clothes from food and vomit. Softly, he let out a sigh and whimpered. It wasn’t until now that he wondered what kind of worry he could have caused at the rink for sort of storming out or if anyone even cared at all. Since his parents avoided discussions about Sicheng’s disease he wondered too if Minjun or Iseul knew too. That maybe it was just everyone around him that could care less about his actual well being. He stepped closer and saw the blemishes still left on his face after his episode. 

The emptiness of his stomach felt like the only achievement he had made in awhile. More satisfying than a good grade on his test, more satisfying than Yuta complimenting him, more satisfying than those sweet Iseul hugs. But only almost as satisfying as impressing a judge panel at nationals when he was 15 and a half years old and barely 46 kilos. He changed his mind, he wished that everyone would continue to ignore his fatigue and temper.


End file.
